


dude, you're kind of an asshole

by caryophyllaceae (xphantomhive)



Category: South Park
Genre: I tried my best, M/M, also !!! cartman being an asshole, and friendly guidance, anyway this is my first kyman and i did my best, but when is cartman not being an asshole??, it's okay i think??, lmao this is some fluff shit, my first kyman f u c k, there is kissing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-03
Updated: 2016-07-03
Packaged: 2018-07-19 18:13:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7372345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xphantomhive/pseuds/caryophyllaceae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You are literally the worst, but I like you anyway."</p>
            </blockquote>





	dude, you're kind of an asshole

**Author's Note:**

> me at twelve: ew!! kyman is so gross i hate it!!!!!  
> me now: fuck, i ship kyman so hard, FUCK, kyman is THE BEST, LITERALLY

Cartman knows he’s fucked when he catches himself staring at the back of Kyle’s head in algebra class. Really, he hadn’t even know that he’d been doing it, but when he comes to the halting realization that he does he just _knows_ that he is absolutely, positively, fucked. He immediately raises his hand and asks to go to the bathroom, but instead of going to the bathroom he tries to remember where the damn journalism classroom is because he knows the only person who’s going to talk to him is Wendy Testaburger. Bitch used to hate him, but after a few years that bullshit wore off and she admitted that he wasn’t so bad.

He has to pace around the hallways for ten minutes before he finally stumbles across the classroom. Wendy’s back is turned to him when he walks in, but she still pipes up with, “What do you need, Cartman?”

He sits down on one of those fucking uncomfortable stools (why can’t they just have normal chairs in the journalism room?) and Wendy turns to face him. She has her glasses on, and Cartman forces himself not to make a crude comment about how she looks in them because he is desperately in need of her guidance. He also promises himself that he’s going to do his best to not call her anything like hoe or bitch, because he knows that’ll only make her pissy at him and then she’ll say, “fuck you” and not help him at all. “Today,” he announces, like he’s about to say something really important. “I was staring at the back of the Jew’s head in algebra. Freaked me the fuck out. I am really fucked, Wendy. Really fucked.”

Wendy hums. For some reason, the noise makes Cartman really pissed off. He thinks it’s because when she makes that noise, she kind of sounds like she thinks she’s better than other people, and yeah, in some aspects, she is. “When you say Jew, you do mean Kyle, right?” She asks in return, and Cartman nods. “What’s so big about the fact that you were staring at the back of his head? Maybe you were just bored. I stare at the back of people’s heads when I’m bored. It’s not really a big deal. I’ve done it to you before.”

Cartman shakes his head. “Oh no, no. I had a revelation today, bitch,” and fuck, there goes his attempt to not call her any names. He just can’t help himself. Wendy is kind of a total bitch. She glares at him, but doesn’t tell him to get out, so he takes that as a good sign. “I’ve been staring at the back of that fucker’s head since fourth grade, Wendy. I literally just realized it today. I think I have a fucking crush on him and I am not gonna deal with that shit.”

Wendy gives him a shit-eating grin. He reminds himself that it’s rude to punch girls and that you aren’t supposed to do it, so he refrains. Such a fucking gentleman, right? Man, Eric Cartman knows that he is the _master_ of chivalry. “Oh, no way, Cartman. I can’t believe you have a crush on Kyle. There’s no fucking way that he returns it, sorry dude. Doesn’t he like, hate you?”

Kyle _did_ used to hate Cartman, but they’re a lot older now. Fourth grade to eleventh grade is a long time, and everyone has to grow up eventually. Kyle and Cartman still bicker back and forth every now and then, and Cartman still calls him “Jew,” but they really don’t hate each other as much as they used to. Cartman wouldn’t call them friends, but he knows that they at least have  a healthy respect for each other. “Not anymore. We aren’t friends or any shit like that, but we don’t hate each other anymore. People grow up, Wendy. Unlike you.”

“If you keep being an asshole, I’m not going to help you,” Wendy says, and then something magical happens. Cartman shuts his trap for five seconds and lets Wendy talk. “Listen, you’re a pretty confident guy. Just like, go up to him and kiss him on the mouth or something like that. I’m sure he’d expect it from someone like you.”

Cartman huffs. He supposes that isn’t the worst idea in the world, but he isn’t sure how well it’s going to work out. He may be confident (he _knows_ that he is confident _as fuck_ ) but that doesn’t mean he’s just going to go up to Kyle and kiss him. “That sounds like a shitty idea, but I’m gonna go through with it anyway. Thanks, hoe.”

Wendy gives him the finger. “Don’t call me a hoe, you dick.”

* * *

 

Cartman is gone before he can give some kind of sarcastic reply, and with a heavy sigh Wendy goes back to what she had been doing - writing an article for the school paper.

Cartman really doesn’t know what it feels like to be nervous. He’s done a lot of shit in his seventeen years of life, and he’s pretty sure that he has completely lost the ability to be nervous about anything. Until the dismissal bell rings and he finds himself leaning against the locker next to Kyle’s. Fuck, fuck, fuck, he is really fucking nervous. What if everything goes totally wrong? Oh, if it does, he is _so_ going to give goddamn Wendy Testaburger a nice punch to the face. He doesn’t even give a shit that she’s a girl, he will punch her and not regret it at all.

“Cartman?” Someone asks, and Cartman jumps like someone had poked him in the ass with a hot stick. The person laughs. He knows that it just _has_ to be Kyle. Cartman turns his head to the side and solidifies the fact that it is indeed Kyle. Fuck, he hasn’t felt this nervous in years. Hell, he can’t even remember the last time he was nervous at all. “What are you doing at my locker?”

Oh, fuck it. Cartman goes right in for the kill, pressing his lips to Kyle’s without abandon. Kyle freezes up and Cartman knows that’s not a good sign, but he keeps going through with the plan anyway. Kyle is the first to pull away, unsurprisingly. Cartman is surprised that Kyle even let him kiss him for that long. “Dude,” Kyle says, like he can’t believe what just happened. “You just kissed me. Like, on the mouth.”

Cartman rolls his eyes. “Yeah, I fucking did. How dumb are you, Jew? You’re just pointing out pretty obvious shit.”

Kyle is pretty sure that he’s being punk’d right now. “Dude.”

“Yeah, what?” Cartman asks. He convinced himself that he wasn’t going to get pissy with Kyle if he took the kiss the wrong way, but he totally knows that he is. Wendy would probably be telling him that he’s fucking the plan up, but if she were he would tell her to go fuck herself, anyway. “I kissed you. Right on the fucking mouth and everything. What are you gonna do about it?”

Kyle takes a deep breath in. Cartman notes that he looks annoyed. “I really don’t know, Cartman. Is this a joke or something?”

“Fuck, no,” Cartman says. Now he’s nervous. Now, he’s really really nervous. “I like you, you total and complete dick. Like, like like. I’ve been staring at the back of your head in various classes since fourth fucking grade, and I have a crush on you bigger than this entire fucking state.”

Kyle laughs. It’s nasally. Cartman wishes that he didn’t find it adorable. “I think I can work with that. I kind of like you, too, even though you’re a racist, bigoted, asshole. I guess I just have a shit taste in men.”

“Pfft. I am literally the best.”

Kyle rolls his eyes. And then he kisses Cartman again, and it’s a lot better when he’s actually responsive. “You are literally the worst, but I like you anyway.”

**Author's Note:**

> this was my first kyman. i tried my best. i hope someone likes it.
> 
> thank you for reading!


End file.
